I love to see high school students thriving, both inside and outside of the classroom. My first two articles in this series focused on those two general areas: academics and co-curricular activities. However, factors outside of school often impact a student's ability to thrive inside the school building. Part three of this series will focus on the home environment. While many of these "external" factors are negative and thus lead to students failing to thrive, this series will continue to focus on the positive aspects of thriving high school students.
In order for a plant to flourish, it needs a favorable environment ... soil, sun, water. Likewise, a high school student needs a favorable home environment to thrive.
Although each home, family, and parenting style is unique, I have tried to identify the positive factors that I have observed in the home environment of thriving students. My reflections fall into three categories: Stability, Structure, and Support.
Stability
Thriving high school students have a stable home. I realize the term a "stable home" is difficult to define and may even be controversial, so let me explain. In order for high school students to thrive, they need stability outside of school. Educators are probably familiar with the phrase, "Students need to Maslow before they can Bloom." This quote refers to two educational psychologists who focused on student thriving. Maslow focused on foundational human needs (like stability at home) that every student needs before he/she can thrive academically; Bloom's Taxonomy emphasized cognitive development and higher level learning, but students struggle to learn when they are concerned about food, shelter, safety (i.e. stability at home). Most educators understand that students cannot thrive without stability at home.
One of my favorite paintings, especially to describe the teenage years, is Edvard Munch's "The Scream" ... an amorphous figure standing alone on a bridge, losing his mind, screaming, while his world swirls around him. Clearly, that figure represents a teenager, right? Just like the screamer in the painting needs a stable place to call home, teenagers need a stable home environment in order to thrive.
So what does a stable family look like? In the early 1990's, the vice president of the United States, Dan Quayle, made a controversial statement essentially claiming single-parent homes are less stable than two-parent homes. It sparked a lively debate and even led to a sociological study that affirmed a two-parent family structure as being more stable (see The Atlantic article, "Dan Quayle Was Right"). However, it is not that simple. A stable home can be found in a wide range of family structures. In fact, most people can quickly cite examples of abusive, oppressive two-parent homes that are not a stable home environment, along with citing single-parent homes that provide the stability needed to thrive.
High school students, in order to thrive, need stability at home. While instability can come in many forms ... loss of a parent's job, frequent moving, divorce, death of a parent ... stability can still be found within those situations. Essentially, thriving students know that they have a place to return to after a hectic day. Thriving students have parents who will help bring order to the chaos, will provide a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. Thriving students have people in their life who regularly assure them that everything will be okay. That is a stable home environment.
Support
Thriving high school students have a supportive home environment. Like stability, the term "supportive" needs to be explained. Some synonyms of support that help in the definition are, to bolster, to hold up, to brace, to carry some of the weight, to sustain, to assist. Thriving students have parents who do these things.
Supportive parents are ones who encourage their son/daughter's curiosity and interests. If a student shows an interest in piano, the supportive parent pays for lessons. If a student shows an interest in soccer, the supportive parent becomes a "soccer mom." If a student is curious about a historical time period, a supportive parent goes to the library with her to do research. If a student is curious about a profession, a supportive parent arranges a job shadow for him. Unfortunately, some parents (especially in sports) have a misguided understanding of what it means to be a supportive parent. It does not mean screaming at officials when his daughter gets fouled, cussing out the coach because of playing time, or pointing out every mistake that the daughter made in the game while in the car on the ride home. To stay positive, supportive sport parents, are quick to listen and slow to speak; they ask if she enjoyed playing the game, what she felt went well and what she wished went differently; they encourage a growth mindset and ask for ways that they can help her improve; and they take her out for ice cream no matter what the outcome.
A new term for overly involved parents is "lawnmower parents"; essentially, a lawnmower parent goes before the son/daughter to smooth out any rough patches that may lie ahead, or "mow down" anyone that stands in the way. A supportive parent is not a lawnmower parent. In fact, a supportive parent is there to encourage (bolster, brace) a student as they go through difficulties but realizes the importance of going through difficulties for personal growth. Supportive parents also encourage their teenagers to gradually take on more and more responsibilities (practice adulting); they help them mature and grow into adulthood. (See my previous article on "Adolescent Development: Positive Tethering" for more on this subject).
Another aspect of support is correction. Consider a support railing on a pedestrian bridge; it provides something to hold onto to steady oneself, but it also helps keep the hiker from falling off the bridge. Supportive parents guide and keep their son/daughter on the right path, and this sometimes involves discipline. This can also take many forms. From modeling work ethic, positive language, and how to love a neighbor, parents set the example for their teenager. However, parents also need to intervene when correction is necessary; they must denounce toxic language and hate, monitor screen time and content, and admonish negative attitudes. This also is being a supportive parent.
Thriving high school students have supportive parents.
Structure
Finally, thriving students have structure at home. Similar to stability mentioned above, teenagers need structure and routines in order to thrive within the swirling world around them. Unfortunately, as we've become busier and busier as a society, our structure at home has disintegrated. This hurts teenagers (and everyone, I would argue).
Family time used to be sacred. In the past, family dinner was at 6:00pm, and every family member was present. It was a "hearth" time to discuss the day, share highs/lows, seek advice/support from others, and just be together. It was a time and ritual that said, "No matter what happened during the day, this is one thing you can count on and look forward to" and "everything is going to be okay." Unfortunately, family dinner time is rare ... except for thriving students. Thriving students and families still have family dinner time.
Structure provides stability. Thriving students have a time for family dinner, homework, going to bed, and waking up. These routines mark their days and provide them with the stability needed during the teenage years. Of course, academically thriving students have structure in their homework; they have a consistent time and place that they finish their homework and prep for the following day. This homework structure is different for each student, but it is consistent for the individual student. Similarly, every student may go to bed and wake up at a slightly different time, but thriving students have a consistent structure for sleep.
Structure also includes chores at home. Thriving students have responsibilities at home, tasks that they complete to contribute to the success of the overall family. These tasks or chores may include doing the dishes or washing their own laundry; it could be weekend projects like mowing the lawn or daily tasks like making your bed (see Admiral McRaven's speech about why it is important to make your bed) . Work for teenagers help teach so many life lessons ... ways to thrive now and in the future. Chores at home help teenagers realize that the world doesn't revolve around them, provides them a sense of accomplishment, and develops an awareness of the concept of interdependency ... essentially, we all rely on each other. All of these are lessons that translate well to thriving in school.
Structure also involves limits. For teenagers in the 21st Century, these limits are primarily tech related. Thriving students have limits on their screen time and phone use. Sometimes (probably more indicative of thriving students) these limits are set by the students themselves; more often, these limits are set by their parents. Thriving students realize the negative impact that heavy screen time has on the brain's ability to focus, and they willingly put their phones "to bed" and stop gaming after a set amount of time. It is probably easier to describe students who are failing to thrive in this area. Unfortunately, many students are addicted to their phones; it doesn't matter whether it is a gaming or social media addiction, the research is discouraging. Tech addiction is one of the leading obstacles to thriving in high school. The best resource that I've found on limiting home technology use is Andy Crouch's The Tech-Wise Family (Baker Books, 2017).
Students who thrive have structure in their lives.
Thriving in high school involves so much, but with stability, support, and structure at home, students have a good opportunity to thrive in school.
As a parent of two high school students, this has been a difficult article to write. For much of this, I have been reflecting on our home and "preaching" to myself. However, I stand by these observations from my 30 years of working with teenagers, even if I don't see them perfectly manifested in my own home.
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