Adolescent Development: Positive Tethering

The most famous developmental psychologist is Erik Erikson, and his stage theory has impacted the study of human development. He describes the adolescent stage as one of "identity vs. role confusion." Working with students in this stage for nearly 30 years, I would affirm the importance of identity: teenagers need to discover who they are, where they fit, and how they are uniquely gifted. The post-modern mantra has been to "find yourself"; however, we've often forgotten the support needed to foster healthy development toward that end.

"Coming of Age" is a phrase used to describe the adolescent years, historically the teenage years in which children grow into adults. Today with delayed adulting, many individuals don't "come of age" until early to mid-twenties. So what encourages healthy development? What factors hinder development? How can parents and educators help teenagers develop in a healthy way during the adolescent years?

Tethering: Slow, Steady, Supported


Healthy development through any of the stages involves a slow but steady process of increasing independence.

Think about teaching a young child to ride a bicycle. A parent does not put a 3 year old on a 24" mountain bike to teach her. The process begins with a "big wheel" tricycle that sits low to the ground to help learn pedaling (even before balancing). After mastery is achieved, this process moves to a tricycle where the child sits higher and more upright. After mastery of this skill, the child begins on a small bicycle with training wheels to learn how to balance. As she begins to balance better, a parent typically takes off one of the training wheels to slowly increase difficulty. After mastering this, both training wheels are removed, and with the parent running along by her side, she finally is able to ride a bike. Rushing the process leads to frustration, however, so does the lack of challenge. Once the child builds up confidence, a parent must encourage her to move to the next level. A slow, steady, and supported process leads to healthy development.

I like to call this slow, steady, supported process "tethering." Tethering can have a negative connotation as it implies being tied up, but think of a tether ball. Each time the ball swings around the pole, a little more slack is given out. Similarly, tethering is an important parenting technique; it is the  process of giving a child more and more independence. This concept can be followed with children learning to walk, swim, skate, along with many other areas. Tethering also happens in parenting or teaching teens.

Adolescent Tethering

So what does tethering look like for teens?

The process of getting a driver's license is a great example. Before a teenager is 15, he needs to learn about driving by taking driver's education, this leads to a permit. The permit allows him to drive with a parent (and a professional driving instructor) for a whole year, this leads to getting a license, Once the student has a license, there are restrictions placed for a season on who is allowed to ride as a passenger, and this leads to full independent driving. Each stage is slow, steady, and supported so that over a two year period ,a teenager can become a licensed driver.

Just like beginning on a full-sized bicycle is not a good idea and is going to lead to skinned knees, giving a 16-year old a license without any training or practice is not a good idea. However, more parents skip some steps in the tethering process of getting a license, and the stakes are so much higher; a crashed car is definitely worse than a skinned knee. Healthy development needs to be a slow, steady, and supported process.

Parents often tether well during the early childhood years, but, unfortunately, they seem to forget this process as their children get older. Parents give pre-teens phones without remembering the slow, steady, and supported process of tethering. Parents encourage dating in middle school without remembering the slow, steady, and supported process of tethering. A plethora of negative examples in both phone usage and dating prove the point; if we rush the process, teens struggle in development.

Supportive Adults

The concept of tethering assumes one huge essential element of healthy development during adolescence: supportive adults.

Triangulated support (the "power of three" principle) is essential for teenagers to grow into healthy adults. Every teen needs three supportive and positive adult role models who are actively present in his/her life. Chap Clark, a Christian sociologist who focuses on adolescents, has even proposed a 5:1 ratio, meaning every teen needs five adults speaking into his/her life.

So, who are these three (or 5) individuals? Of course, most think of mom and dad as two of those adults, but I would encourage putting "parents" together as one, as many teenagers see "parents" as one entity. Traditionally, the other supportive adults have been teachers, coaches, youth pastors, counselors, and extended family members. It is also important to have supportive adults from different areas of life (e.g. home/family, church, school, work) because if something goes awry at home, teens need someone to support them who is outside the home, likewise with something that happens at school. Intentionally placing role models into a teenager's life, like selecting a school, sport team, and church with this in mind is an important step parent's can take.

Obviously, teens need 3 to 5 supportive adults because the adolescent years are difficult. In addition to physical changes happening during puberty, adolescence is filled with "firsts." Life events happen that cause teens to "grow up" faster than they should; they are rushed into adulthood. With support, teenagers can develop well through this difficulty ... leading to being ready to launch into the next stage: adulthood.  Below are a few of those experiences ...

1. Moving to a new school/community.
2. Death of a pet / loved one.
3. Parents splitting up / divorce.
4. Health concerns of self or loved one.
5. Financial stress of a parent losing a job.
6. Pressures of school / future decisions.
7. Managing a first romantic relationship / first break-up.
8. Troubling world events like a pandemic or terrorist attack.
9. Experimenting with adult behaviors like drinking, smoking, sex.
10. Getting a first job.

Each of these experiences can be used to tether teenagers into adulthood, but it takes a team of supportive adults who help "run along side" them as they learn how to "adult."

Positive Risk-Taking

The other essential element needed to positively tether teens into adulthood is risk-taking. Teenagers need to be encouraged to take risks. This is ironic as the teenage years are often stereotyped as ones marked by reckless risk-taking; recklessness or illegal activity is not what I am encouraging. Healthy development, at any stage, requires practices things in the next stage. This can be done with supportive adults walking alongside teenagers as they practice adulting. However, digital natives today are "safer" and more hesitant than ever to try something new, and parents are not actively encouraging them to try new things. This lack of positive risk-taking stunts "coming of age" and delays adulting.

Positive tethering involves encouraging teens to step out of their comfort zone. Teens should try new things, explore interests, be actively curious, and get out of their comfort zones. One of my favorite quotes to use in discussing adolescent development is, "There is no growth in the comfort zone, and there is no comfort in the growth zone" (Betsy Nuttall). In order to grow and develop, teenagers need to be nudged (or sometimes shoved) out of their comfort zone.

Teachers know how to do this academically, using the concept of the "zone of proximal development" (ZPD) (Vygotsky). In order for a student to grow, teachers need to challenge them with something just outside their comfort zone; if teachers don't do that students become bored, and if teachers push too far too fast, students get frustrated ... both hindering growth. Parents and teachers need to apply that ZPD concept to life skills, too.

The supportive adults in the teenager's life needs to nudge them to practice "adulting" in order to encourage healthy development. It warrants emphasizing, in order to do this with success, the adults who are nudging teens into risk-taking must be one of the supportive adults in their life. If the relationship is not there, teenagers will strongly resist (I've tried it, and it doesn't work). Like learning to ride a bike, supportive adults need to be there (almost) every step of the way cheering the teenager on.

Being present in the life of the teenager also provides more opportunities to discourage destructive risk-taking behaviors. Unfortunately, these risky behavior can cause an unhealthy development into adulthood if the process is not slow and steady.

Positive tethering can help teenagers "come of age" in a healthy way by encouraging a slow and steady process that allows teens to practice "adulting" life skills. Supportive adults play an important role in that process.