Thriving in High School (Part 3)

I love to see high school students thriving, both inside and outside of the classroom. My first two articles in this series focused on those two general areas: academics and co-curricular activities. However, factors outside of school often impact a student's ability to thrive inside the school building. Part three of this series will focus on the home environment. While many of these "external" factors are negative and thus lead to students failing to thrive, this series will continue to focus on the positive aspects of thriving high school students. 

In order for a plant to flourish, it needs a favorable environment ... soil, sun, water. Likewise, a high school student needs a favorable home environment to thrive. 

Although each home, family, and parenting style is unique, I have tried to identify the positive factors that I have observed in the home environment of thriving students. My reflections fall into three categories: Stability, Structure, and Support.

Stability

Thriving high school students have a stable home. I realize the term a "stable home" is difficult to define and may even be controversial, so let me explain. In order for high school students to thrive, they need stability outside of school. Educators are probably familiar with the phrase, "Students need to Maslow before they can Bloom." This quote refers to two educational psychologists who focused on student thriving. Maslow focused on foundational human needs (like stability at home) that every student needs before he/she can thrive academically; Bloom's Taxonomy emphasized cognitive development and higher level learning, but students struggle to learn when they are concerned about food, shelter, safety (i.e. stability at home). Most educators understand that students cannot thrive without stability at home.

High school (and the teenage years) are filled with instability: physical changes, identity confusion, stressful social interactions, cultural and peer pressure, and hormonal chaos. In the midst of all this, they need a stable "home base," a place to retreat, regroup, and recover. Thriving students find this "home base" at home.

One of my favorite paintings, especially to describe the teenage years, is Edvard Munch's "The Scream" ... an amorphous figure standing alone on a bridge, losing his mind, screaming, while his world swirls around him. Clearly, that figure represents a teenager, right?  Just like the screamer in the painting needs a stable place to call home, teenagers need a stable home environment in order to thrive.

So what does a stable family look like? In the early 1990's, the vice president of the United States, Dan Quayle, made a controversial statement essentially claiming single-parent homes are less stable than two-parent homes. It sparked a lively debate and even led to a sociological study that affirmed a two-parent family structure as being more stable (see The Atlantic article, "Dan Quayle Was Right"). However, it is not that simple. A stable home can be found in a wide range of family structures. In fact, most people can quickly cite examples of abusive, oppressive two-parent homes that are not a stable home environment, along with citing single-parent homes that provide the stability needed to thrive.  

High school students, in order to thrive, need stability at home. While instability can come in many forms ... loss of a parent's job, frequent moving, divorce, death of a parent ... stability can still be found within those situations. Essentially, thriving students know that they have a place to return to after a hectic day. Thriving students have parents who will help bring order to the chaos, will provide a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. Thriving students have people in their life who regularly assure them that everything will be okay. That is a stable home environment.

Support

Thriving high school students have a supportive home environment. Like stability, the term "supportive" needs to be explained. Some synonyms of support that help in the definition are, to bolster, to hold up, to brace, to carry some of the weight, to sustain, to assist. Thriving students have parents who do these things.

Supportive parents are ones who encourage their son/daughter's curiosity and interests. If a student shows an interest in piano, the supportive parent pays for lessons. If a student shows an interest in soccer, the supportive parent becomes a "soccer mom." If a student is curious about a historical time period, a supportive parent goes to the library with her to do research. If a student is curious about a profession, a supportive parent arranges a job shadow for him. Unfortunately, some parents (especially in sports) have a misguided understanding of what it means to be a supportive parent. It does not mean screaming at officials when his daughter gets fouled, cussing out the coach because of playing time, or pointing out every mistake that the daughter made in the game while in the car on the ride home. To stay positive, supportive sport parents, are quick to listen and slow to speak; they ask if she enjoyed playing the game, what she felt went well and what she wished went differently; they encourage a growth mindset and ask for ways that they can help her improve; and they take her out for ice cream no matter what the outcome. 

A new term for overly involved parents is "lawnmower parents"; essentially, a lawnmower parent goes before the son/daughter to smooth out any rough patches that may lie ahead, or "mow down" anyone that stands in the way.  A supportive parent is not a lawnmower parent.  In fact, a supportive parent is there to encourage (bolster, brace) a student as they go through difficulties but realizes the importance of going through difficulties for personal growth. Supportive parents also encourage their teenagers to gradually take on more and more responsibilities (practice adulting); they help them mature and grow into adulthood.  (See my previous article on "Adolescent Development: Positive Tethering" for more on this subject). 

Another aspect of support is correction. Consider a support railing on a pedestrian bridge; it provides something to hold onto to steady oneself, but it also helps keep the hiker from falling off the bridge. Supportive parents guide and keep their son/daughter on the right path, and this sometimes involves discipline. This can also take many forms. From modeling work ethic, positive language, and how to love a neighbor, parents set the example for their teenager. However, parents also need to intervene when correction is necessary; they must denounce toxic language and hate, monitor screen time and content, and admonish negative attitudes. This also is being a supportive parent. 

Thriving high school students have supportive parents.

Structure

Finally, thriving students have structure at home. Similar to stability mentioned above, teenagers need structure and routines in order to thrive within the swirling world around them. Unfortunately, as we've become busier and busier as a society, our structure at home has disintegrated. This hurts teenagers (and everyone, I would argue).

Family time used to be sacred. In the past, family dinner was at 6:00pm, and every family member was present. It was a "hearth" time to discuss the day, share highs/lows, seek advice/support from others, and just be together. It was a time and ritual that said, "No matter what happened during the day, this is one thing you can count on and look forward to" and "everything is going to be okay." Unfortunately, family dinner time is rare ... except for thriving students. Thriving students and families still have family dinner time.

Structure provides stability. Thriving students have a time for family dinner, homework, going to bed, and waking up. These routines mark their days and provide them with the stability needed during the teenage years. Of course, academically thriving students have structure in their homework; they have a consistent time and place that they finish their homework and prep for the following day. This homework structure is different for each student, but it is consistent for the individual student. Similarly, every student may go to bed and wake up at a slightly different time, but thriving students have a  consistent structure for sleep. 

Structure also includes chores at home. Thriving students have responsibilities at home, tasks that they complete to contribute to the success of the overall family. These tasks or chores may include doing the dishes or washing their own laundry; it could be weekend projects like mowing the lawn or daily tasks like making your bed (see Admiral McRaven's speech about why it is important to make your bed) . Work for teenagers help teach so many life lessons ... ways to thrive now and in the future. Chores at home help teenagers realize that the world doesn't revolve around them, provides them a sense of accomplishment, and develops an awareness of the concept of interdependency ... essentially, we all rely on each other. All of these are lessons that translate well to thriving in school. 

Structure also involves limits. For teenagers in the 21st Century, these limits are primarily tech related. Thriving students have limits on their screen time and phone use. Sometimes (probably more indicative of thriving students) these limits are set by the students themselves; more often, these limits are set by their parents. Thriving students realize the negative impact that heavy screen time has on the brain's ability to focus, and they willingly put their phones "to bed" and stop gaming after a set amount of time. It is probably easier to describe students who are failing to thrive in this area. Unfortunately, many students are addicted to their phones; it doesn't matter whether it is a gaming or social media addiction, the research is discouraging. Tech addiction is one of the leading obstacles to thriving in high school. The best resource that I've found on limiting home technology use is Andy Crouch's The Tech-Wise Family (Baker Books, 2017).

Students who thrive have structure in their lives.

Thriving in high school involves so much, but with stability, support, and structure at home, students have a good opportunity to thrive in school.

As a parent of two high school students, this has been a difficult article to write. For much of this, I have been reflecting on our home and "preaching" to myself. However, I stand by these observations from my 30 years of working with teenagers, even if I don't see them perfectly manifested in my own home. 

A Prayer for our Nation

If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.  (2 Chronicles 7:14)

Dear Father,

I pray for the humbling of our land.

Lord, we do not walk humbly (Micah 6:8); in fact, we elevate the arrogant. We are a nation of people and institutions who seek glory for self rather than for You. We have disregarded You and your Word. Instead of following Your Word, we do what is right in our own eyes (Judges 21:25b). We attempt to understand scripture through the spectacles of culture, rather than understanding culture through the spectacles of scripture. We accept, embrace, and celebrate what You call sin; we reject, ridicule, and discard what You call righteous.

Instead of a nation filled with the fruit of the spirit: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control" (Galatians 5: 22-23) ... we embody those characteristics warned about in "the terrible times in the last days ... lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God" (2 Timothy 3:1-4).

Humble us as a nation, as you did with the people of Israel in the time of the Judges; humble us, as you did Nebuchadnezzar in the time of Daniel (Daniel 4:37), so that we, as a nation and as individuals, seek your face and turn from our wicked ways. 

I pray that You heal our land.

Lord, we live in a wounded world in need of healing. Because of our arrogance, we do not love our neighbors as ourselves (Mark 12:31) and we are not "quick to listen and slow to speak" (James 1:19). Raise up your people to heal our land through loving and listening. 

We live in a wounded world in need of healing. Because of our arrogance, we do not "act justly and love mercy" (Micah 6:8), and we do not care for "the least of these" (Matthew 25:34-45). Raise up your people to heal our land through justice and mercy. Raise up your people to heal our land through caring for the hungry, thirsty, naked, and sick, through welcoming the stranger and visiting the prisoner.

Let us, as Christ-followers, be known as healers in this wounded world. Let us, as Christ-followers, be known by our actions of neighbor loving, listening, and caring, and by our actions of justice and mercy. Use us, as your humble hands and feet, to heal our land.

In the power of your son,

Amen

Thriving in High School (Part 2)

As a high school principal, I have a front row seat observing students in school and school activities. I am encouraged by those who are thriving and discouraged by those who fail to thrive. I hope that this blog series on "Thriving in High School" will help high school educators encourage attitudes and behaviors to help students thrive. Part one of this series focused on students who embraced a "work" mindset and were academically engaged in their learning. 

For Part Two, I want to move outside the classroom. Thriving students look differently in co-curricular activities and in their social interactions.

Thriving Students Get Involved

Thriving students participate in student activities, like clubs, athletics, student leadership, theater, and music. Every high school student has a classroom experience, thriving students take advantage of the learning opportunities outside the classroom. Unfortunately, the value of co-curricular activities has waned in recent years as more and more students just "survive" school and return home to spend time on devices in gaming or social media. I call this the "I'd rather not" culture, and it negatively impacts a student's ability to thrive. By opting out of these opportunities, students are missing out on the deep learning that can occur outside the classroom. The opposite of the "I'd rather not" culture is the "Why not?" culture; this culture encourages students to participate, to say "yes" to opportunities as they arise, and to get involved. It is exciting to see students jump in with two feet and get involved in whatever student activities are offered at the school. One thing we track at my school is participation rates because we know student success is tied to student participation.

Small School, Big Experience

Student participation is an area in which students attending smaller schools have a big advantage over those attending large schools. This is counter-intuitive; in fact, we occasionally have students leave our "small" school to attend a larger one for more opportunities. Bigger schools provide more opportunities is an urban myth. Often big schools force students to be single sport athletes or single activity participants; these schools have "theater kids" and "basketball kids" and "band kids" and "AP students" but rarely do these student groups intersect. Smaller schools allow students to participate in multiple activities ... yes, a high percentage of student participation is required for co-curricular programs to even exist in a smaller school, but what a gift for students who want to thrive in high school. Let me give you a personal example ... my son Adam, is a senior at a small school (180 high school students), but he is the student council co-president, a soccer player, a drummer in the symphonic, jazz, and pep bands, and an actor in the fall play and spring musical, all while taking multiple honors classes. He is thriving and embracing his high school experience.

Some will push back on this and cite the many opportunities that big schools provide to attend high level athletic contests with huge student sections and have front row seats to amazing musical and theater productions. I agree that you can learn by being an audience member, but the amount of learning that happens as a spectator pales in comparison to the level of learning that occurs for those on the field and stage. This reminds me of the quote by Lou Holtz (college football hall of fame coach), "Don't be a spectator; don't let life pass you by." Thriving students are not merely a "fan" of their high school experiences, they get involved. 

Thriving Students are Broadly Social

The power and impact of high school friends is real. I have observed good students hit rock bottom (as a student) because of their academically lackluster friend group, and I have seen mediocre students thrive academically when they surround themselves with students who are focused and thriving. Making wise decisions about friends is a vital factor in thriving vs. surviving high school ... and keeping relationships superficial in high school is actually a good thing. That sounds counter-intuitive, so let me explain.

The high school experience is filled with social learning, and thriving students are social butterflies. When I observe high school students socially, thriving students are the ones who move easily among different social groups, even among different grades. These students are able to sit at any table at lunch and are able to work with any group in the classroom; they are friends of all ... at least while at school. Unfortunately, some live by the axiom "birds of a feather stick together" rather than attempting to be a "social butterfly." While spending time with those who have similar interests, look, think, and act like you do is a comfortable and natural thing to do, it doesn't help you thrive and grow. "There is no growth in the comfort zone, and there is no comfort in the growth zone." This is true of friendships at school ... interacting with those who don't look, think, or act like you will help you grow and thrive.

By being open to new friendships with individuals from diverse backgrounds, students will learn from others about life and their perspective. Being broadly social is great for friendship, but it also helps students learn deeply. Those failing to thrive invest heavily in one person or one friend group and tie their identity to that person/group. This is unhealthy in high school and hinders the ability to thrive as a student.

I understand the importance of building deep human relationships rather than flitting superficially from one friend to another, and I also know that tending relationships, if done well, is a full time job. My point being, attempting to get to know someone at a deep level at school takes time ... time that would detract from thriving at school as a student. In my 30 years of working with high school and college students, I have seen too many students focus on one person, and fail to thrive as a student. Of course, at the high school level, this takes the form of a dating relationship.

Don't Date!

Whenever I talk to students about thriving in high school, I say "don't date." It usually brings eye rolls and smirks, but, even though I know many won't take this advice, I keep saying it ... because I see the aftermath. Every year, students disregard my advice, and every year I have more examples of why high school students shouldn't date. Occasionally, I will have a student survive a messy break-up and come to me in confidence and admit that I was right about not dating in high school (unfortunately, it is usually right before they jump into another relationship). In a softer moment, I advise students to not actively date at school, meaning that, while at school, they should stay focused on being a student rather than on being a boyfriend or girlfriend. This aligns with my first point (in part 1), thriving students see school as their job. Just like dating co-workers is frowned upon due to the distraction it brings and potential drama, dating at school is counter to being a focused, productive student.

Believe me, I've heard all the arguments why students should date while in high school, but none of them outweigh the potential pitfalls. I'll keep preaching to my small choir.

Social learning is an essential part of the high school experience. Connecting with a wide range of people allows high school students to flourish socially and to "learn from the stranger" while at school, but it also prepares them to thrive in a diverse world. 

Educators can encourage students within their sphere of influence to thrive outside of the classroom while at school. Students need to get involved, say "yes" to student activities, and interact with a wide range of people. 

Thriving in High School (Part 1)

Every high school is filled with students who are thriving and others who are just surviving. Attentive educators can identify these students quite early in the school year; the best educators act on that knowledge by encouraging those who are thriving and intervening into the lives of those who are merely surviving.

What characteristics should we use to identify thriving and surviving students. Following a positive psychology paradigm, this blog series will focus on the attitudes and behaviors of thriving students.

Most of the information will be from my experience ... what stands out to me after working with high school and college students for 30 years. Additionally, over the past 10 years, I've lived with five high school students (who were mostly thriving ... even with their dad as the principal). 

Let me start with the academic side.

Go to Work Every Day!

Thriving students see being a student as their job, and school as their workplace. This doesn't mean that they don't have any fun at school, rather they embrace "school" as a vocational calling for this season in their life. Like the workplace, school has expectations of attendance, dress, respect for the teacher/supervisor, job performance, and attention. 

Students who thrive have a "going to work" attitude that ensures that they show up on time and are dressed in a way that follows the dress code. They literally are "ready for work." Students who struggle with these two areas, being late and not complying with the school expectations on dress, begin the day in conflict, and start the day in survival mode. 

• Side Note: Tardies and dress code violations are the two most frequent discipline issues that I deal with as a high school principal. While I am thankful that it is not something more serious, I do take it seriously because grasping the importance of these two relatively minor behaviors will help students thrive in the workplace. Yes, showing up on time (or early) and dressing to the expectations set by your employer places employees on track for advancement.  

Students, as well as employees, are not going to like every "supervisor" that they have in school. However, the students who thrive academically are the ones who respect the teacher and strive to achieve whatever task is placed before them, even overcoming a teacher who doesn't teach to the individual student's preferred learning style.

• Side Note: Students who fail to thrive are ones who continually complain about a teacher (or class), and ultimately give up because of a conflict with a teacher. Thriving students also have teachers that they do not like; in contrast, they will ask questions in class, reach out to that teacher for clarification, seek additional support, and work doubly hard to achieve the tasks assigned to them (and they will ultimately take these attitudes and behaviors into their future workplaces).

Every job has performance and attentiveness expectations. If you want to thrive as an employee, you will prepare for meetings, work collaboratively, take on individual responsibility (and "do what you say you will do"), and meet deadlines. This is similar to each class in school; students must prepare for class, work diligently in groups and independently, and complete classwork and homework on time. Thriving students do these aspects of school well, and they are preparing to be thriving employees in the future. Additionally, most employers expect their employees to be working when "on the clock" and would frown on employees being off-task. In fact, many workplaces have rules restricting social media or gaming while on the job because of the distraction they can cause. Staying focused and on-task, both at work and at school, is a characteristic of thriving students (and employees). 

• Side Note: I see students unable to focus for long periods of time, and they are taking frequent work breaks to be on their phones (messaging / social media / gaming). I realize that phones are ubiquitous today, even in the workplace, but productivity wanes with active phone use. If an employee wants to merely survive in a job, remain connected to your phone throughout the workday; however, if an employee wants to set him/herself above others, be positioned for advancement, and thrive in the workplace, limit phone usage and stay focused on your work. Of course, same for students.

Engage Academically!

When I visit classrooms, it takes me about 2 minutes to identify the thriving students. They are the ones who are academically engaged in the lesson. I have become quite adept at identifying academic engagement through my experience in teaching and administration. Our school also use the "Effective Learning Environment Observation Tool" (ELEOT) from AdvancEd for classroom observations, and this tool focuses on the academic engagement of students. 

So what are characteristics of an engaged learner?

Active Listening -- an engaged, thriving student is an active listener. While not everyone actively listens in the same way, looking at a student's posture, facial expressions, and eyes are usually good indicators of active listening. An active listener leans forward toward the speaker, nods, smiles (or frowns) as appropriate. and the eyes are locked into the teacher or task. As an educator, you can almost see the brain spinning or capture an "aha moment" by observing posture, facial expressions, and eyes ... and that is one of the joys of teaching. Posture, facial expressions, and the eyes, of course, show good listening, but an engaged learner also participates as an integral part of the learning environment. 

Participation -- While participation can look different for each student, thriving students ask and answer questions. This is probably the easiest element of participation to observe, but if you've been in a classroom, you know asking/answering doesn't always align with academic engagement. The level of questions asked or answers given correlates to the level of engagement. For example, a question, "when is the assignment due again?" can actually show a low level of engagement, but an answer that challenges or expands the classroom discussion by referring to previous voices would indicate a higher level of engagement. Engaged and participating students can be identified by "jumping to it" when teachers give an activity or assignment. Whatever the task, there is little delay from teacher instruction to student work.

• Side note: I recognize that it is difficult to remain engaged in classes in which one has little internal interest. However, the "fake it until you make it" principle works well. If students act engaged (even if they would rather be somewhere else), the teacher typically becomes more animated and the lesson becomes more interesting to the student. In contrast, when students respond to a "boring" lesson by not actively listening and not participating, the lesson gets even more painful ... I only have to say "Anyone, Anyone" to conjure up pictures of disengaged students in Ferris Bueller's Day Off  (video of scene). Yes, engaged students could have even made that lesson better.

Thriving students "go to work" and are engaged in learning the entire day. Students who are failing to thrive should try these two things ... It will make a difference.

There are many more characteristics of thriving students ... stay tuned.