Managing Teen Tech @ Home

I frequently get asked by parents for advice on managing tech at home. The first thing I say is that I'm not an expert, and I struggle as much as anyone with technology, and we struggle in my house as much as any family. The second thing I say is to read Andy Crouch's book The Tech-Wise Family (2017); this book has really shaped how I try to approach technology personally and with my family, and most of my advice comes from the practical wisdom of Andy Crouch.

In this post, I am going to focus on phones, due to the ubiquitous nature of phones today, and the fact that many of the principles can be applied to other technology at home.

So, let me begin with a couple assumptions ...

1. Parenting is more difficult today because of technology. 78% of parents believe tech makes parenting more difficult (Crouch, TWF, 2017).
2. Teenagers have cell phones and access the internet from these devices. 88% of teenagers have/have access to a cell phone; 91% of teenagers regularly go online from a cell phone (Kids Wireless Use Facts).

If either of the assumptions above is not true for you, keep reading. I've tried to shape the suggestions below positively to focus on improving relationships, quality time, and interpersonal communication with your teens and family. I'm also preaching to myself and my family.

Take Charge of Your Tech Tool

The overarching message for managing phones is to remember that the phone is a tech tool that YOU control rather than a tool that controls YOU.  Like a hammer that stays in a toolbox until it is needed, when you see your phone as a tool, you can leave it away unless you are specifically going to use it to complete a task. Unfortunately, most people view their phones as a life-line rather than a tool, and spend most of the day being controlled by their phones. Once you see your phone as a tool, you can begin asking questions (of your teen and yourself), such as ... Why do I need that tool today? When am I going to use that tool?  How can I best use that tool?  Is it the best tool to use?

Phones have taken over so many tasks (like keeping track of time) that it has become the "utility tool" that you always "need" with you. However, being intentional about what tools you have with you and what ones you really need, may limit phone use.

Author Fail - Last year, I found myself checking my phone multiple times an hour to check the time (yes, I work in a school that has a clock in every room, but my phone drew me to itself, like Frodo's ring). Checking my phone for the time is not horrible, but I found that while checking the time, I also checked my email, calendar, and scrolled through social media. As soon as I turned "my precious" phone on, it captivated (and controlled) me. After getting a watch for Christmas, I began leaving my phone behind more often and reducing my phone dependency.

Embracing the perspective that your phone is a tool is a good start. The rest of the suggestions below really can fall under the category of taking a break from your phone. Whether you call it a phone fast or a sabbath rest from tech, intentionally taking a break from tech is needed. Andy Crouch recommends taking a break from technology at the following rates: 1 hour a day, 1 day a week, 1 week a year. If your phone is your lifeline, these recommendations seem antiquated and impractical.

We have been duped into thinking that phones are essential tools and lifelines to the outside world and to each other ... and must be with us at all times. After all, we live in the 21st Century and technology has eliminated the need for watches, phone books, maps, board or card games, daily planners, and long-term memory ... just to name a few; all these functions can now be found in one place: the phone. In order to do "life," we need our phone with us. We've all felt panic and anxiety when we have a dead/dying phone battery because we cannot conceive how we could possible live without our lifeline ... re-charging becomes our primary objective, everything else gets put on hold.

I know that the mental health crisis among teens is complex with multi-faceted reasons, but I am convinced that phones exacerbate the problem of mental health. Our brains need time to rest for good mental health, and unfortunately, phones prevent our brains from getting the rest needed. Take a break from your phone! Have regular times away from your phone ... leave home without it! You may need to start small in order to prevent an addiction withdrawal: quick trips to the store, attending church, grabbing ice cream with friends, working out at the gym. However, the more you do without your phone the more you will realize it is not an essential tool ... you can do life without it.

Hearth Time

In the past, families would gather around the fireplace and share about their day; I've heard this called "hearth time." Today, most families have "hearth time" ... an actual time or location in which the family gathers to reconnect and share about the day. These times can be car rides on the way home from school, family dinner time, or after school around the kitchen island. "Hearth Times" should be "No Phone Zones." If you don't have an established "hearth time," create that space to connect as a family ... and keep it phone free.

Dinner Hour

46% of families allow phones at the dinner table

One of the elements we've lost as an American culture is the dinner hour. Even if you work hard to sit down together as a family (as my family does), it rarely takes an hour. However, we can approach a full hour if we include food preparation, eating, and clean-up. A recommendation in The Tech-Wise Family is to involve the entire family in all elements of dinner. Some great conversations happen in preparing food and doing dishes ... make it a full-family experience. It is also nearly impossible to wash dishes or set the table while on your phone. By doing all aspects of dinner together, you'll reclaim the "dinner hour" concept. Of course, the dinner hour should be a "No Phone Zone."

Bed Times

Sleep is such an important element for physical and mental health, and phones, with all the lights and sounds, prevent sleep. Bed times (bedrooms) should be "No Phone Zones." Teens need 9 hours of sleep per night, and 50% of teens (aged 15-18) report regularly getting less than 7 hours per night (Ruston, 2019). I have to believe that this is tied to having phones in their bedrooms at night.

I am often discouraged by how many parents allow phones to be in bedrooms overnight (or how many teens sneak their phones into their rooms overnight). Our school social media accounts regularly get views, shares, and likes from middle and high school students at times that teenagers should be sleeping (e.g. 2:00 am). Clearly, they are in their beds on social media when they should be sleeping; I am not surprised when these same students are sick the next day and miss school. In my home, keeping phones out of bedrooms during sleeping times is something that we have always required. My teens put their phones "to bed" and plug them in for the night in our kitchen.

Andy Crouch uses the language of "putting your phone to bed" and also writes about "waking the phone up" (not having the phone wake you up). The phone should not be the last thing you see before you go to sleep or the first thing you check when you wake up. Excellent reminders that you are in control of the device, not the other way around.

Author Fail - For years, my phone was on my nightstand overnight. I justified having my phone next to my bed overnight because we don't have a landline, and I may get an emergency call in the middle of the night. It was impacting my sleep patterns as my phone buzzed with every email, text, app update, and social media notification. I would respond to its "beck and call" through the night. It was the last thing I checked before going to sleep, and I was often reaching for it before even fully opening my eyes in the morning. I definitely was not managing my phone well. In the spring, I moved it to our family charging space in the kitchen. I now enjoy uninterrupted sleep and deeper rest ... and I haven't missed any emergency calls.

These are three suggestions to manage phones at home through creating boundaries around "hearth" time, the dinner hour, and bed time. However, there are so many more good ideas out there (more blog posts on the way). Read Andy Crouch's book, look online at some of the resources listed below, discuss ways with your family to reduce phone usage (and increase family non-tech interactions) at home. Find ones that work for you and your family ... and share those. You are not alone; all parents of teens struggle with this and need help, including me.

Additional Resources:
Common Sense Media (https://www.commonsensemedia.org). Common Sense Education (https://www.commonsense.org/).

Crouch, A (2017). The Tech-Wise Family. Baker Books.

"Kids Wireless Use Facts." http://www.growingwireless.com/get-the-facts/quick-facts

Ruston, D. "Tech-Talk Tuesdays" newsletter. https://www.screenagersmovie.com/tech-talk-tuesdays