Managing Teen Tech @ Home

I frequently get asked by parents for advice on managing tech at home. The first thing I say is that I'm not an expert, and I struggle as much as anyone with technology, and we struggle in my house as much as any family. The second thing I say is to read Andy Crouch's book The Tech-Wise Family (2017); this book has really shaped how I try to approach technology personally and with my family, and most of my advice comes from the practical wisdom of Andy Crouch.

In this post, I am going to focus on phones, due to the ubiquitous nature of phones today, and the fact that many of the principles can be applied to other technology at home.

So, let me begin with a couple assumptions ...

1. Parenting is more difficult today because of technology. 78% of parents believe tech makes parenting more difficult (Crouch, TWF, 2017).
2. Teenagers have cell phones and access the internet from these devices. 88% of teenagers have/have access to a cell phone; 91% of teenagers regularly go online from a cell phone (Kids Wireless Use Facts).

If either of the assumptions above is not true for you, keep reading. I've tried to shape the suggestions below positively to focus on improving relationships, quality time, and interpersonal communication with your teens and family. I'm also preaching to myself and my family.

Take Charge of Your Tech Tool

The overarching message for managing phones is to remember that the phone is a tech tool that YOU control rather than a tool that controls YOU.  Like a hammer that stays in a toolbox until it is needed, when you see your phone as a tool, you can leave it away unless you are specifically going to use it to complete a task. Unfortunately, most people view their phones as a life-line rather than a tool, and spend most of the day being controlled by their phones. Once you see your phone as a tool, you can begin asking questions (of your teen and yourself), such as ... Why do I need that tool today? When am I going to use that tool?  How can I best use that tool?  Is it the best tool to use?

Phones have taken over so many tasks (like keeping track of time) that it has become the "utility tool" that you always "need" with you. However, being intentional about what tools you have with you and what ones you really need, may limit phone use.

Author Fail - Last year, I found myself checking my phone multiple times an hour to check the time (yes, I work in a school that has a clock in every room, but my phone drew me to itself, like Frodo's ring). Checking my phone for the time is not horrible, but I found that while checking the time, I also checked my email, calendar, and scrolled through social media. As soon as I turned "my precious" phone on, it captivated (and controlled) me. After getting a watch for Christmas, I began leaving my phone behind more often and reducing my phone dependency.

Embracing the perspective that your phone is a tool is a good start. The rest of the suggestions below really can fall under the category of taking a break from your phone. Whether you call it a phone fast or a sabbath rest from tech, intentionally taking a break from tech is needed. Andy Crouch recommends taking a break from technology at the following rates: 1 hour a day, 1 day a week, 1 week a year. If your phone is your lifeline, these recommendations seem antiquated and impractical.

We have been duped into thinking that phones are essential tools and lifelines to the outside world and to each other ... and must be with us at all times. After all, we live in the 21st Century and technology has eliminated the need for watches, phone books, maps, board or card games, daily planners, and long-term memory ... just to name a few; all these functions can now be found in one place: the phone. In order to do "life," we need our phone with us. We've all felt panic and anxiety when we have a dead/dying phone battery because we cannot conceive how we could possible live without our lifeline ... re-charging becomes our primary objective, everything else gets put on hold.

I know that the mental health crisis among teens is complex with multi-faceted reasons, but I am convinced that phones exacerbate the problem of mental health. Our brains need time to rest for good mental health, and unfortunately, phones prevent our brains from getting the rest needed. Take a break from your phone! Have regular times away from your phone ... leave home without it! You may need to start small in order to prevent an addiction withdrawal: quick trips to the store, attending church, grabbing ice cream with friends, working out at the gym. However, the more you do without your phone the more you will realize it is not an essential tool ... you can do life without it.

Hearth Time

In the past, families would gather around the fireplace and share about their day; I've heard this called "hearth time." Today, most families have "hearth time" ... an actual time or location in which the family gathers to reconnect and share about the day. These times can be car rides on the way home from school, family dinner time, or after school around the kitchen island. "Hearth Times" should be "No Phone Zones." If you don't have an established "hearth time," create that space to connect as a family ... and keep it phone free.

Dinner Hour

46% of families allow phones at the dinner table

One of the elements we've lost as an American culture is the dinner hour. Even if you work hard to sit down together as a family (as my family does), it rarely takes an hour. However, we can approach a full hour if we include food preparation, eating, and clean-up. A recommendation in The Tech-Wise Family is to involve the entire family in all elements of dinner. Some great conversations happen in preparing food and doing dishes ... make it a full-family experience. It is also nearly impossible to wash dishes or set the table while on your phone. By doing all aspects of dinner together, you'll reclaim the "dinner hour" concept. Of course, the dinner hour should be a "No Phone Zone."

Bed Times

Sleep is such an important element for physical and mental health, and phones, with all the lights and sounds, prevent sleep. Bed times (bedrooms) should be "No Phone Zones." Teens need 9 hours of sleep per night, and 50% of teens (aged 15-18) report regularly getting less than 7 hours per night (Ruston, 2019). I have to believe that this is tied to having phones in their bedrooms at night.

I am often discouraged by how many parents allow phones to be in bedrooms overnight (or how many teens sneak their phones into their rooms overnight). Our school social media accounts regularly get views, shares, and likes from middle and high school students at times that teenagers should be sleeping (e.g. 2:00 am). Clearly, they are in their beds on social media when they should be sleeping; I am not surprised when these same students are sick the next day and miss school. In my home, keeping phones out of bedrooms during sleeping times is something that we have always required. My teens put their phones "to bed" and plug them in for the night in our kitchen.

Andy Crouch uses the language of "putting your phone to bed" and also writes about "waking the phone up" (not having the phone wake you up). The phone should not be the last thing you see before you go to sleep or the first thing you check when you wake up. Excellent reminders that you are in control of the device, not the other way around.

Author Fail - For years, my phone was on my nightstand overnight. I justified having my phone next to my bed overnight because we don't have a landline, and I may get an emergency call in the middle of the night. It was impacting my sleep patterns as my phone buzzed with every email, text, app update, and social media notification. I would respond to its "beck and call" through the night. It was the last thing I checked before going to sleep, and I was often reaching for it before even fully opening my eyes in the morning. I definitely was not managing my phone well. In the spring, I moved it to our family charging space in the kitchen. I now enjoy uninterrupted sleep and deeper rest ... and I haven't missed any emergency calls.

These are three suggestions to manage phones at home through creating boundaries around "hearth" time, the dinner hour, and bed time. However, there are so many more good ideas out there (more blog posts on the way). Read Andy Crouch's book, look online at some of the resources listed below, discuss ways with your family to reduce phone usage (and increase family non-tech interactions) at home. Find ones that work for you and your family ... and share those. You are not alone; all parents of teens struggle with this and need help, including me.

Additional Resources:
Common Sense Media (https://www.commonsensemedia.org). Common Sense Education (https://www.commonsense.org/).

Crouch, A (2017). The Tech-Wise Family. Baker Books.

"Kids Wireless Use Facts." http://www.growingwireless.com/get-the-facts/quick-facts

Ruston, D. "Tech-Talk Tuesdays" newsletter. https://www.screenagersmovie.com/tech-talk-tuesdays

Teens Need Church (2)

My previous post, Teens Need Church, focused on the positive messages that church can deliver each week to teens ...

1. You are loved unconditionally.  
2. You are created with gifts and a purpose. 
3. You are an essential part of a community.  
4. You are not alone. 
5. There is rest from your burdens. 

I realize that churches are imperfect and the above messages are not always delivered each week or are delivered poorly by flawed messengers, which limits the impact of the message. However, the premise and potential are still there ... these powerful messages are part of the Christian church, and they are messages that, if heard regularly, will help teenagers in their identity development during these years.

In reflecting and writing on this topic, other concepts under the "teens need church" umbrella kept bouncing around in my brain. Thus, part two.

In addition to messages, what other aspects of church positively impact teen development? Why is it important for teenagers to attend church on a regular basis (even if they don't want to go)?

Here are five additional reasons that teens need church:

1. Corporate Singing
Both God and teenagers love music. Music is specifically created by God for a body of believers to connect (harmonize) with each other to praise Him. We see this in church with corporate singing, but we also see the power of music to connect fans ("believers") at a Taylor Swift concert. Singing together does something special in bringing communities together. However, in our era of earbuds and headphones, music has turned into a tool for teens to escape community rather than a vehicle to connect with others. Corporate singing at church can reclaim music's inherent purposes: to grow closer as a community and to praise God.

2. Sacrificial Giving
Something very unusual happens at church; people give away their money. Teenagers who observe this practice of "cheerful givers" (2 Cor 9:7) are on their way to developing into altruistic and philanthropic adults. Ego-centrism is a developmental challenge for teenagers, and giving at church can be one element to help teens overcome that challenge. At the heart of sacrificial giving is thinking of others above yourself; practicing this self-less act each week is a start. Unfortunately, too few teenagers see this modeled well, as we live in an egocentric, selfish, and greedy culture. Even teenagers raised in Christian homes do not observe their parents tithing as Christians tithe less today (2.5% of income in 2018) than they did during the Great Depression (3.3% of income) (Church Giving Statistics).

Additionally, at the core of giving is gratitude; Christians give a portion of what God has given to them out of gratitude for that gift. Gratitude research studies out of Positive Psychology identify a plethora of personal, social-emotional, and "happiness" benefits to individuals who regularly give out of gratitude. Modeling this practice of giving will help this grow into a life habit of giving and will help teenagers develop into happy adults.

3. Communion/Creeds/Confessions/Catechisms
The church has many elements that ground people in the past. In our world that can't remember a time before the i-phone let alone a 20th century war, teenagers need triggers to help them remember history. The most common of these elements is communion; a sacrament instituted by Jesus and used to "remember" what he has done. Each time church members take communion, it reminds them of the fact that they belong to something that spans history. Whenever teenagers recite a creed or confession or study catechisms, they are reminded that these words have been spoken (and believed) by individuals for thousands of years. Encouraging teenagers to remember the past, learn from history, and seek wisdom from their elders will help them grow into maturity.

Unfortunately, in our current educational culture, we have embraced STEM / STEAM educational models and discarded the classical study of history. This, I am afraid, will create intelligent professionals who lack wisdom to use their intellect well, and leaders who will repeat mistakes of the past. As George Santayana stated, "Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it." Being rooted in the historical church (and history in general) is vital to future growth.

4. Interceding / Advocating
Christians believe in the intercessory role of Jesus in prayer, thus many prayers end with "in Jesus name" or "for Jesus sake." Jesus intercedes for us with God the father. This practice is modeled in the church. The pastor, church officers, Sunday school teachers, youth leaders, or prayer warriors intercede for other members in the church. The role of intercession is more than just prayer, and it is a church element that teenagers need to experience to the fullest.

The non-churchy term to intercessor is advocate. Advocate is a legal or court term, and, unfortunately, teenagers feel more judgment at church rather than advocacy; the opposite should be true. It is powerful for teenagers to know that they have an advocate who is "in their corner" and who both roots for them and goes to bat for them. Obviously, Jesus does that for them spiritually, but also members of the church can fulfill that role as Christ's hands and feet here on earth. The need and desire for an advocate is so strong that teenagers will seek this role from others, most commonly from their peers; however, some of these "advocates" are not healthy, mature, or wise advocates and end up being negative role models and giving poor advice. The church, in general, must strive to fulfill this need in teenagers; however, church members must be taught how to be advocates for teenagers (instead of judges). Once teenagers find a church filled with advocates, church will become a place that they want to be.

5. Mentors
One of the most powerful elements for teenagers at church is mentoring / discipleship. Teenagers need mentors to guide them, advise them, and help them develop in a healthy way. The inter-generational church is full of mentors, and most churches have structures in place to encourage these connections, e.g., youth groups led by adult leaders. Teens need to take advantage of these aspects of church.

Here is a truth that many parents want to reject: most teenagers don't take advice from their parents as well as they may take it from another adult figure. Coaches, teachers, and church youth leaders often have more influence on teenagers than parents do. My children come home from church or school regularly with some great wisdom that a teacher, coach, or youth pastor said about faith, relationships, or life in general. I smile and encourage them to embrace this truth, even though it is the same thing that my wife or I have been telling them for years. Teenagers just hear it better from someone outside of the home. I also encourage them to lean into these mentoring relationships. Placing them in youth group and bringing them to church allows for these powerful interactions to happen on a weekly basis.


Again, church doesn't always deliver these elements perfectly, but if teens connect with even one of these elements on a regular basis, it will encourage them as they grow and develop in becoming spiritually, socially, and personally mature young adults.

Teens Need Church

Working with teenagers in education for 28 years and parenting 5 of my own, I can confidently say that teenagers need to attend church ... so much so, that, yes, parents should make them attend church each week. It is that important.

I recognize that getting teenagers up early on Sunday morning is a struggle, and making them go to church is a point of conflict for many Christian families, but let me explain why I think it is worth the fight.

I can point to the educational benefits of lengthening attention spans by listening to a sermon for 20-40 minutes. I can point to the brain break that a church service provides as teenagers (and everyone, hopefully) leave their phones off or at home for an hour. I can address the social development that teens experience by spending time with an inter-generational community.  I can address the spiritual growth that happens through God's word and the working of His spirit, leading to salvation. All of these are true, precious, and genuine benefits for teenagers who attend church (and maybe a future writing).

However, in this post I want to discuss five messages that teens need to hear and that are delivered best in church ... this is not an all-inclusive list and not in order of importance.

1. You are loved unconditionally.  

So much of our world is conditional, and teenagers especially feel the pressure to look a certain way, act a certain way, and do certain things to gain acceptance and love. How valuable for teenagers to hear that they are loved by God unconditionally. As parents and teachers, we can try to show love unconditionally, but we do this imperfectly. The message that "God loves you no matter what" is an important one for teens to hear often (at least once a week), and the church delivers that message best.

2. You are created with gifts and a purpose. 

One of the greatest developmental challenge during the teenage years is with identity, and this powerfully manifests itself when a teenager struggles to see his/her specific gifts/talents and lacks a purpose in life. Again, parents and teachers can help teenagers identify gifts and even purpose, but having a foundation in the Bible that affirms everyone has been given gifts with the purpose of using those gifts to serve others is a strong foundation that others can build upon. Many passages provide a positive message about gifting and purpose, like I Peter 4:10: "Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others."

3. You are an essential part of a community.  

Belonging socially is another identity challenge that teenagers face. A common question during these years is "where do I fit?" Some teenagers will identify with a group of people with similar interests, cultural backgrounds, age, or personality, but a stronger community is achieved when teenagers build bridges that connect diverse individuals. Faith communities do exactly this. They are often an inter-generational group that connects people from different backgrounds and with different interests and personalities. 

Additionally, in connection with the previous point (gifts and a purpose), the analogy of the body of Christ is an important one for teenagers to visualize. As the church, we are all part of a community and, like a living body, each person has his/her individual role that is essential for the community to function well. A powerful message that the church can provide to teenagers is "you fit here and we need you."

4. You are not alone. 

Tied to belonging and community, teenagers want friends more than anything else. And, logically an often unspoken fear of many teenagers is being alone. Unfortunately, friends, during the teenage years, sometimes use this known insecurity to harm each other ... through isolating, excluding, or blatantly ditching another member of their group. Of course, this fear being left alone also comes from other life situation, such as, divorce, broken families, loss of loved ones, and even the death of a pet. God comforts us in times of loneliness with the following words ... "fear not, for I am with you" (Is 41:10).

What a powerful and important message to be spoken to teenagers: God will not leave you. The Bible has a number of verses that proclaims this truth: "I am with you always, even to the end of the age" (Mt 28:20). God is the only one who can truly fulfill that promise. The more often teenagers hear this message, the more likely they will believe it and rely on this truth in the lonely times.

5. There is rest from your burdens. 

Today's teenagers are overly stressed and anxious, probably more now than in any other time in the history of the world. We see this in psycho-somatic physical illnesses, mental illnesses, and suicide. Teenagers need rest, and they are not getting rest at school, home, or their activities. Therefore, they need rest from somewhere else, like the church.

It is almost like Christ's message in Matthew 11:28 is meant for teenagers in the 21st century: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." This "rest" can be facilitated through quiet meditation, prayer, and reflection at church ... the "be still and know that I am God" message from Psalm 46. Unfortunately, church has become not a place of quiet reflection and prayer, but rather a place of concert-level entertainment that is not peaceful. However, the message is still there ... find rest, peace, shalom in God.

I want my students and my own children to hear these messages as often as possible from as many different voices as possible.  That is why teens need church.