You Play Ball Like a Girl -- Escalating Conflicts

Conflicts happen in life, and we need to deal with them. Therefore, when conflicts happen at school, educators have a perfect opportunity to help our students learn how to manage conflicts in a healthy way.

As I watch the political process this year, I am reminded that some adults need to learn the same lesson that I try to teach my students: Don't escalate conflicts.

One of the classic lines from The Sandlot is "You play ball like a girl!" This line comes after a plethora of insults between the Sandlot team's catcher Hamilton "Ham" Porter and their opponent. You can see that scene from the movie HERE with the escalation occurring at 1:15. Whether you agree with this statement as an insult or not, it was clear to both teams that this insult escalated the conflict to a new level.

Playground arguments and conflicts happen, but they don't often come to my attention as the principal unless someone escalates the situation. As a principal, I use "restorative practices" to encourage students to make better decisions. I usually end the discipline conversation with having the student consider future actions and how they would handle the situation differently if/when this happens again. The conversation often turns to discussing the different ways to escalate or de-escalate a situation.

In a school setting, annoying behaviors can escalate into an exchange of ever-increasing harsh words and then into a physical altercation. In this situation, discipline and restorative practices can revolve around who escalated the situation and a better way to handle the situation in the future. I wish that conflicts were still that simple.

Social Media
Today, conflicts quickly escalate through social media. A face to face insult becomes a flaming post on social media. It is amazing how courage grows when students jump online. Even though both are insults, the public nature of social media escalates the situation and borders on public disparagement and libel. Unfortunately, if you work in a middle or high school today, you have heard the term cyberbullying and have probably dealt with the ramifications.

(Ironically, the term "bullying" is often misused and always escalates the situation. See the CNN article for more on this conversation.)

It is easy to pick on students in this post, but adults escalate situations with words and actions too. As role models for our students these action speak loudly in shaping student beliefs on the topic.

Emails
Adults are bolder communicating online also (aka, email muscles). As a principal, I occasionally receive an angry email and, to be honest, my first response is to respond in kind. However, it is amazing to see the tone shift when I call a parent (or ask for a face-to-face meeting) about an angry email. Usually, we can come to some resolution without raised voices.  Another way that we can escalate the situation in emails is through the "strategic cc" ... a parent cc'ing the principal, superintendent, and school board in the first email to the teacher. The strategic cc escalates the situation and is rarely productive.

Nouns instead of Adverbs
Another way that adults escalate situations is by quickly changing adverbs into nouns. A student who "acts foolishly" is not necessarily a "fool." I recently sat through a presentation by an educational leader who, in the midst of his talk, called students "idiots" as he described a prank that they pulled. Their actions may have been idiotic (actually, the prank was quite ingenious), but he has escalated the situation by labeling them "idiots." I cannot imagine a restorative resolution to a conflict that begins with calling students "idiots." You may think that this is just semantic gymnastics, but there is no argument: words can escalate situations.

So don't escalate conflicts; keep the situation and tone on the same level, eg. words should not turn physical, and debates should not involve name calling. This will help conflicts remain manageable.

De-Escalate the Situation
Not escalating a conflict is only half the battle; we should also actively de-escalate a situation.

• Soften your Tone.  Proverbs 15:1 states, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Live this and see how this changes conflicts.
• Be Humble. Listen first and be ready to admit wrong; humility can do amazing things to help resolve a situation. Relational restoration is much closer when both parties consider how they could've acted differently.
• Take Some Time. Instead of dealing with something in the heat of the moment, set up a meeting for a future time. Sometimes time and space is all that is needed to resolve a conflict.
• Go Private/Stay Private. Being in the "public square" (whether that is in a full classroom or on social media) escalates a situation; find a quiet, private location to resolve a conflict confidentially. The situation changes if you meet with a disrespectful student after class or if you move a conflict between two students from the hallway into an office. Make sure that the situation stays confidential, informing only those who need to know.
• Invite a Neutral Mediator. The Matthew 18 Principle for conflict resolution is definitely effective, but only if the "mediator" is truly a neutral party and a calming personality to the conversation. If one of the parties feels that he/she is being "ganged up on" or threatened by the third party, the situation will escalate. (sometimes when a principal attends a parent/teacher conference, the situation is escalated by the principal's presence)

Conflicts are messy, and there is rarely one right answer to any situation. However, teaching our students to be civil with each other through arguments and disagreements is a vital building block for our democratic society. Unfortunately, some of our leading presidential candidates escalate situations every time they open their mouth or produce a campaign ad.

If only they read my blog!