Early in my teaching career I had a student who underperformed on a test. The next day, I received a message from her parent demanding a meeting with me and the student the next day. As a relatively new teacher, I was not sure what to expect with this meeting. After explaining where the student struggled and how to improve on the next test, I sat through a public shaming and belittling of the student by the parent. Unfortunately, the parent wasn't upset with me. I say "unfortunately" because I would have gladly taken the ire, sarcasm, and caustic tone from the parent in order to spare the student from this abuse.
Following up with the student after the meeting, she shared that nothing was ever good enough for her parents; they demanded perfection and straight A's. She was a strong (but not perfect) student, but her parents had never said that they were proud of her.
I learned a lot from that parent-student-teacher conference and the subsequent conversations with the student. Mainly, that every student has parents and a home life, and too many of those are strained, contentious, or even abusive. I learned that students need affirmation from adults. This changed how I taught: I began intentionally using student work as exemplars, pausing to praise insightful responses in classroom discussions, listening before disciplining, and positively reinforcing classroom behaviors. I also made sure that I wrote "I am proud of you!" on assignments. After graduation, it has even become my practice to make sure that I find every graduate to let them know that I am proud of them.
In short, it helped me become a restorative educator.
What about student misbehavior and poor choices?
Working for over three decades with high school and college students (18 of those years as the lead disciplinarian), I have faced many opportunities to deal with student misbehavior and poor choices. In these situations, educators can respond from a punitive or restorative perspective.
I have approached student misbehavior from both perspectives. While I believe that there is a time to act punitively, my experiences clearly demonstrates that a restorative approach is a much more effective means of dealing with misbehavior.
As a high school principal, it is my deep hope that students see me (and the teachers I work with) as restorative educators. Below are some principles that will help educators approach student interactions from a restorative perspective.
Discipleship over Discipline
The restorative perspective needs to be one of discipleship over discipline. "Disciple" is a Greek term referring to a student and learning so using it in connection with education is appropriate; however, Christians understand a "disciple" as being so much more than a student. The twelve disciples of Jesus were students of Jesus, but they also lived in close relationship with him striving to wholly follow Jesus in belief and action. The teacher-student relationship is a key to discipleship and to being a restorative educator. While there are definite connections between discipline and discipleship, a restorative educator is one whose main objective is building a living - learning relationship, i.e., making disciples.
Discipline (from a punitive perspective) follows a strict consequential pattern ... if a student does x, he receives y (no matter what). Discipline can be a simple "if ... then" transaction without any concern about the relationship. However, discipleship (from a restorative perspective) seeks to strengthen the student-teacher relationship while utilizing the best way to address/improve student behavior.
Take the Time
A discipline/punitive perspective may be quicker than a discipleship/restorative perspective, but it is not better. In the break-neck pace of modern education, using the quicker option to deal with student misbehavior and classroom management is truly a temptation. However, one of the clearest indicators of a restorative educator is the time that he/she spends with a student in dealing with a misbehavior.
Ideally, all corrective interactions with students should happen in one on one conversations and away from other students. Obviously, this can not always happen as some behaviors need to be addressed immediately as it happens. However, a quick request to meet with a student after class can often stop behavior and provide time to have a restorative conversation.
Taking time with a student demonstrates a genuine love and care for a student, but it also demonstrates a seriousness about correcting the behavior. For example, if a student comes in late, a teacher can simply mark her tardy without another word (demonstrating a punitive perspective). If the same student comes in late and is asked by the teacher to stay after class for a conversation (a restorative response), the teacher is showing that class attendance and punctuality is important enough to take time for a conversation. Of course, this can also lead to a restorative conversation.
The International Institute of Restorative Practices (IIRP) provides some great questions to ask when meeting with students in a restorative conversation.
- What happened?
- What were you thinking of at the time?
- What have you thought about since?
- Who has been affected by what you have done?
- In what way have they been affected?
- What do you think you need to do to make things right?
Be Quick to Listen
James 1:19 reminds us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." What a great passage to keep in mind when dealing with student misbehavior! I have too often switched these around: I hear of a student misbehavior and am quick to become angry and quick to speak even before I get a chance to listen to a student's story about the incident.
A restorative educator follows James' advice. Remember every student and incident has a story, and, like an iceberg, much of the story is below the water and out of sight. Take time to listen before jumping to a conclusion. Use the restorative questions above to uncover the whole story before speaking and getting angry. You may be surprised that the incident is more complicated than you first suspected; of course this will take more time, but you'll get to the truth.
New Every Morning
One of the most amazing promising of God is that His love and mercy towards us never ceases, and it is "new every morning" (Lam. 3:22-23). It is truly life-sustaining to know that God, who knows our every thought, word, and deed (even the sinful ones) continues to love us, and His love is new every morning ... now, that is a fresh start!
Restorative educators reflect this characteristic of God by continuing to love their students and giving them a "fresh start" every morning ... no matter what happened yesterday. A bad day followed by a warm greeting the next morning is life-sustaining for our students. It shows to our students that no matter what, we still love them.
Giving students a "new every morning" experience can be done in many different ways ... a "good morning" in carline, a high five in the hallway, or a simple morning smile. I especially enjoy watching teachers incorporate a protocol to start the day/class, like an opening circle, a personalized handshake at the door, or an attendance question. These warm-up activities are a great way to "see" every student every day, show them that this is a new day, and, of course, they often help build relationships.
Restoring the Relationship
A restorative educator has a deep desire to restore relationships with students. Dealing with poor choices and student misbehavior is never fun, and it often adds tension to the student-teacher relationship.
An important part of being a restorative educator is following up with a student a few days after an incident and the resulting consequence. This is one of my favorite parts of the process because it "flips the script" of getting called to the principal's office (or being held after class). Meeting with a student after an incident and resolution, an educator is able to praise the student for improved behavior, and let him know that there is a "clean slate" moving forward. Of course, a follow up doesn't have to be a meeting; in fact, I have seen a fist-bump in the hallway send a powerful "all is well" message to a student.
Taking time to follow up after an incident values the student and sends a message of care to the student. If I didn't care, I wouldn't follow up and my interaction with the student would end with the punishment. A follow up implies that this is a relationship rather than a transaction and that the student matters.
As you've read above, becoming a restorative educator takes a lot of time and an investment in relationship building, but look at our ultimate model. Jesus spent three years with a small group of students, walking, talking, living, learning together ... spending time building relationships.
Although becoming a restorative educator takes time and intentional effort, it shouldn't be difficult or draining. In contrast, it should be a return to our why, which should be life giving. Most educators became educators because they love and care for students and want to impact student lives through education. That is discipleship and that is restorative education.
